Dr Phil Show
by Spooky Mitsuko
Summary: A completely ridiculous tale of the Gundam Boys visiting the Dr. Phil show. Prepare yourself for OCC and insanity galore :D


Oh right!- I guess now that I'm officially submitting something here I get to make one of those funny little disclaimers.

Alright!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Gundam boys. Or Dr. Phil...or Oprah...no matter how much I wish I did :strokes pictures:

Oh and P.S. I apologize for the awful format of this story- I'm not too savvy with what I'm allowed and not allowed grammar wise so..yes...it will be fixed in time.

For now please try to enjoy the Dr. Phil insanity :3

**The Dr. Phil show.**

Audience::all standing up and clapping: DR.PHIL! DR. PHIL! DR. PHIL!

Little man in a red coat: Are you ready to see Dr. Phil?

Audience: AAAHHH! DR. PHIL! DR. PHIL!

Large black woman::singing: FOR HE IS LORD, HE IS LORD, HE IS LORD!

Man in red coat: Are you SURE you can handle the Dr. Phil?

Audience: YES YESS! DR. PHIL! DR. PHIL!

Black woman: PRAISE JESUS! PRAISE HIM! PRAISE HIM!

Man in red coat: Well then, if you're sure you're ready, let's welcome...DR. PHIL!

Dr.Phil::comes out from back stage:

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAHHH! OMFG!

Dr.Phil: HELLO CLEEEAAAVLAAAAAND::runs into the audience: ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOCK!

Audience::silence: o-o;

Dr.Phil: I SAID ARE YOU READY TO ROOCK::froths at mouth:

Audience: O-O;;; :backs away:

Dr.Phil:...yes, yes. I think you are prepared. :sits down in his little chair: Now then, today we are here to talk about family's that are having difficulties living together. Our first guests are 5 young men who are all residing under one roof and are finding it increasingly difficult to not just give up and put a bullet in their temples. These 5 boys have compiled home footage of they're everyday lives on video tape to give us a personal view of their unbearable living conditions, let's watch:

-Camera zooms in onto a large screen which flickers with static until Duo's face appears-

Duo::very close to camera: Hello woooorld...I am your KIIINGGGG..

Heero: DUO! Get away from the camera!

Duo::ignoring him: So, is this video really going to get sent to the Dr. Phil show?

Quatre::walking by in the background carrying an inexplicable number of Cabbage Patch dolls: Yes Duo, and I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from making us look like a group of psychos on live tele-

Duo: COOOOLLL! Hey Dr. Phil! Sometimes late at night when Heero's gone to bed I put in old video tapes of the Dr. Phil show and just watch and watch until the soft timber of your voice lulls me to sleep...

Dr.Phil::Watching the screen:...yes well, my voice is known to cause such effects...

Heero: Duo, get away from the camera, or you'll be eating it!

Duo::whispering into the lense: That's Heero. He's being a cranky pants because he wants to be in the lime light. Here, I'll show you his best angle...

:Duo disappears suddenly as the camera is lifted up and zoomed in to showcase Heero's shapely ass:

Duo: See...? it's nice...don't you think?...yeeeah...and when he walks it goes 'boom-chuka-boom-chuka-boom-chuka-

Trowa::voice from somewhere off camera: You know Duo, Heero's going to kill you when he sees this tape...

Duo::spins the camera to the right at dizzying speeds: Hey everybody, it's Trowa! Hey Trowa!...Trowa? Where are you? TROWA? OH MY GOD EVERYTHING'S PURPLE!

Trowa:...Duo! You have to zoom out...

Duo: Oh..:zooms out from Trowa's turtleneck: There you are Trowa! Smile for the camera!

Trowa::stares blankly: Hello Dr. Phil. My name is Trowa.

Duo: and I'm an alcoholic.

Quatre and Wufei::from off camera: Hi Trowa.

Trowa::narrows his eyes: I'll tell Heero you were taping his ass.

Duo: Trowa, hey! My best buddy! You're a smart fellow and you know how much I love you- here! I'll let YOU tape for a while::hastily gives the camera to Trowa:

Trowa: I don't want it. :gives it back to Duo:

Duo: But Trowa! We all know much you love using the camera! Just like when you use it to tape little Quatre in the showe-

Trowa: Hey! Would you look this? What a nice video camera, I think I will take a look at that!

:Camera pans around the room as it exchanges hands:

Trowa::video taping the floor: Now what?

Duo: I dunno...say something hot and steamy.

Trowa: Why would Dr. Phil care about something hot and steamy?

Duo: Are you kidding? Dr. Phil is a very sensual man..

Dr Phil::Watching the screen: It's true, The women can't resist my offers of sherry and candy kisses...

Trowa: That's SO creepy Duo...

Wufie::from off camera: Maxwell, why is Barton taping the floor?

Duo: Because he has problems Chang.

Wufei: Well, Quatre says he wants to use the camera now. He says he wants to show Dr. Phil his...children.

Duo: Uhn, you mean his _Cabbage Patch _dolls? Does no one else find his relationship with them unhealthy?

Trowa: Duo, Quatre's just trying to express himself-

Duo: and the fact that he's a little nut case-

Trowa: as a _parent_, and you know the doctor said to encourage his desire to be a good parental figure...

Duo: Whatever Tro, I still think those things are creepy as hell-

Quatre::calling from the other room: WUUFFEEEIII! Bring the camera! Tod is getting restless!

Wufei: Oh, that Tod is such a bad apple!

Trowa: ...

Duo: ...riiiight...

Wufei: Coming Quatre! Trowa give me the camera.

:Camera pans across all their feet as it is handed to Wufei:

Duo: Oh- I have to see this...:follows Wufei into the other room:

Quatre::sitting in the center of the living room with over 20 Cabbage Patch dolls of various race and gender sitting up around him: Wufei! Hello! Make sure you pan out all the way so you can film all my babies..

Wufei::steps back so all the dolls can be seen on camera: Okay...

Quatre: Great:clears his throat: Hello Dr. Phil! My name is Quatre Reberba Winner and these are my beautiful children; Sally, Mary, Jimmy, Billy, Sandy, Danny, Tommy, Cindy, Johnny, Kelly, Carrie, Bobby, Vicky, Ronnie, Barry, Timmy, Joey, Marty, Jenny, Pilot inspektor, and of course Tod! Wave hello to Dr. Phil everyone:waves at the camera: Yay! I love you guys so much! Group hug:hugs himself: Yay!

Wufei::pans camera over to Duo who's standing very straight and staring with his mouth slightly open:

Trowa: Okay, that was great Quatre! Why don't you take the children to go play outside?

Quatre: What a wonderful idea Trowa! We all know how much they love the sun! Come along kids:quickly stacks them up in his arms and skips out onto the veranda:

Wufei::zooming in on Duo's face: Remember this moment people, it might be the only time you'll ever see Duo Maxwell with nothing to say.

Duo::slowly turning toward the camera: Please tell me you see a problem with this Dr. Phil. He used to be normal, I swear..

Trowa::steps in front of Duo: There is no problem. He is a healthy boy expressing his desire to be-

Duo: a wack job-

Trowa: A good parental figure!

Duo: That will someday be a cereal killer-

Trowa: You don't know anything about it!

Duo: Oh yeah?

Trowa: Yeah!

Duo: Oh yeah?

Trowa: YEAH!

Duo: Alright frenchy, it's ON!

Trowa: Well come on bitch, let's dance::jumps onto Duo:

Duo: AAHHghghh::punches at the air:

Wufei::Steps back and zooms in on the fight: Oh yeah- this is prime entertainment right here...

Heero::off camera: Hey! What's going on in here?- oh. It's just Duo and Trowa.

Wufei: Yeah.

Heero: You getting this all on tape for Dr. Phil?

Wufei: Yeah. I figure it will justify our point.

Heero: Yeah...wait. Why are we going on the Dr. Phil show again?

Wufei: Umm-OH! Trowa just tore a chunk out of Duo's hair::zooms in: Um, oh yeah. We're going to be on the episode for 'People who can't stand living together...' or something like that.

Heero: Oh. Yeah, well that sounds about right.

Wufei: You bet.

Duo::chasing after Trowa who's now running in circles around the room: Give me back my wallet you rat bastard!

Trowa: I'm going to take all your credit cards and max them out on bins of APRICOTS! MUAAHA!

Duo: YOU KNOW I HATE APRICOTS YOU DIRTY MAN SLUT!

Quatre: Stop::Trying to cover all the doll's ears at once: You mustn't fight in front of the children!

Duo: GIVE IT BACK!

Trowa: NEVAH::runs into Wufei:

Wufei: HEY!

:The camera is now on the floor video taping the rug and two pairs of running feet:

Heero: Wufei! Pick up the camera, quick!

Wufei: ACK! I'm trying! Wait, DUO NO!

Duo: APRIIIIICOOOOOOOOTS!

-Suddenly a foot smashes into the lense and the screen is filled with static once more-

Audience:...

Dr. Phil::Slowly lifts up a remote and clicks the screen off:...:turns to the silent audience: Well..um, that was... interesting.

Audience: O-O.

Dr. Phil: Umm...right. Well, why don't we invite these five young men out here and see if we can solve they're problems. Boys come on out!

:Duo, Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre ( who's carrying a diaper bag ) all come out onto the stage:

Audience: O-o;; :uneasy applause:

Dr. Phil: Sit down boys, sit down. Now, what seems to be the problem here? I think we all see from that video that your house hold is not quite...how can I put this lightly..._alright _to _live_ in.

Trowa: You know Dr. Phil, I didn't realize how bad that tape makes it seem until I saw it backstage...

Heero: Yeah, we probably should have watched it before sending it in...

Trowa: Yeah..

Dr. Phil: Are you saying that that tape is an inaccurate depiction of what your home life is like?

Heero: No, that's pretty much right in every aspect.

Wufei: In fact, that was a good day.

Quatre: It's true, I even took pictures that day to put into our album titled "Happy Memories"

Dr. Phil: Oh, I see, Then you realize that this behavior is..abnormal?

Duo: Ah- but, Dr. Phil, if I may ask..where is the crazy bread? In the heart...or in the head?

Heero: Duo, could you NOT quote Willy Wonka right now?

Duo::stands up suddenly: Why wont you let me be who I am inside? You _men_ are all alike::begins to sob into his hands:

Dr. Phil: oo! Um...is he going to be alright?

Trowa: Yeah, he'll be fine. Duo's just been...watching every Dr. Phil episode to date preparing for this appearance and...he's having a little trouble separating them from his everyday life...

Heero: Anything can get him started, and it's kind of hard to pull him out of it once he's in...So if he accuses you of raping him while he was asleep, or something like that, just ignore him.

Dr. Phil: Oh...alright.

Heero::leans in: But..if I find out that you did rape him while he was sleeping...you're going to become very good friends with my semi-automatic, you got that?

Dr. Phil: o-o;;; yes.

Heero: Good!

Trowa::trying to keep Duo seated in his chair:

Duo: I told you woman! It's because you wont shake your badonkadonk!

Quatre: Hush! The children might hear your dirty mouth!

Dr. Phil: Ah- Are the Cabbage pat- _children_ here today?

Quatre::gasps: Why, of course! What kind of a mother do you think I am? Leaving the children home alone...what a cruel way to depict me! I'll have you know I'm a wonderful provider!

Trowa: It's true. Every month we spend over 2,000 dollars on strained peas and carrots.

Heero: All from the Gerber company.

Quatre: And don't you think your baby...should be a Gerber baby?

Dr. Phil: Wait, so all this spending doesn't put you boys in debt? I mean, you can't make over 2,000 dollars a month, and pay rent...Actually, How do you boys afford to keep that house anyway?

Trowa: Double jobs.

Heero: Government bonds.

Duo: Prostitution.

Dr. Phil: Prostitution?

Quatre: Not under my roof!

Dr. Phil: Okay, okay...that's not important.

Heero: So, Doctor, where should we begin on trying to rebuild our shattered, shattered lives?

Dr. Phil:...if you want to know honestly...I actually have no idea where to begin with you guys...

Heero: Oh...

Dr. Phil: ...yeeeaah..

Wufei: hmmm...

Trowa: Sooo...what should we do now?

Dr. Phil: Umm...give massages?

Duo: OH! Can they have a happy ending?

Heero: Duo!

Dr. Phil:points his thumb: I'm assuming he's back to normal.

Heero: Yeah, sexy undertones usually bring him out of it.

Dr. Phil: I see.

Duo: Oh Dr. Phil, I knew you were a sensual conquistador::jumps onto his lap: Take me Dr. Phil! I am yours! Oh- Me so horny! Me love you long time!

Quatre: AAAAHH! Such naughty words::runs backstage to cover his baby's ears:

Trowa: Wait Quatre! Last time you tried to hold them all at once you broke your elbows!

Wufei: Ewww...

Trowa::runs back stage after him:

Dr. Phil: Ummm...are they coming back?

Duo::bouncing on Dr. Phils' leg: Doubt it- Hey, Dr. Phil! You wanna know what? One time I fit my entire fist in my mouth and-

Heero::grabs Duo's braid: Alright, we're leaving::begins to drag him off stage:

Duo: CAAAAALL MEEEEEE!

Audience: oo

:Only Wufei and Dr. Phil are left:

Dr. Phil: Well, this whole thing was rather pointless..

Wufei::staring at Dr. Phil:

Dr. Phil:...um..:waves:...hello.

Wufei::staring, without blinking: You're a funny little man.

Dr. Phil: O-o;; um. Yes. Thank you.

Wufei: So, you work with Oprah, right?

Dr. Phil: Erm, yes. We are friends and-

Wufei: I see. Then...I wish for you to give her this...present..

Dr. Phil: A...present?

Wufei: Yes. :pulls a small brown box out from under his chair: Here...

Dr. Phil: I...didn't see you carry this out...

Wufei: Oh no. You wouldn't have. I had it brought in by a few...close friends...:hands the box to Dr. Phil: When you give it to her tell her it's from...her biggest fan..

Dr. Phil: Why...why is this box _ticking_?

Wufei: No reason! No reason at all...I'd just recommend delivering it before 4:30 on Tuesday...

Dr. Phil:( O-O ) O-okay...

Wufei: Gooood...Then I shall bid you adieu Dr. Phil. I had a lovely time. I'll be sure to send you a...fruit basket..

Dr. Phil: Noooo, that's really okay..

Wufei: Alright, whatever you say...walks off stage whistling

Dr. Phil: ...o-o

Audience: o-o;;;;

Dr. Phil::looks down at the box in his hands, then gently places it on the table in front of him. He watches it for a few minutes to make sure nothing happens before lifting his face to the crowd: Umm...That's it for this episode of Dr. Phil...be sure to join us tomorrow for...:glances down at the box:...um..an episode about pageant moms and dads...and...:slides the box further away from him on the table: ...how it effects their children...Umm...yes. So...Goodbye everyone, hope you had a fun time on the Dr. Phil show::Quickly stands and runs back stage:

Audience::sitting very still and staring at the box which seems to be ticking louder:

-meanwhile-

:Duo, Trowa, Heero, Wufei, Quatre and all of his many babies are driving home in their car as a huge explosion nearly knocks them off the road:

Duo: OH MY GOD!

Quatre: Ah!- Sally, Mary, Jimmy, Billy, Sandy, Danny, Tommy, Cindy, Johnny, Kelly, Carrie, Bobby, Vicky, Ronnie, Barry, Timmy, Joey, Marty, Jenny, Pilot inspektor, Tod! Are you all alright!

Heero: What the hell was that?

Trowa: Something exploded! I think it was...the Dr. Phil set!

Duo: OH DEAR GOD NO! PHILIIIIIP::leans his head out the window: PHHHHIIIIILLLLIIIPPPPP!

Heero: Was someone trying to assassinate us?

Trowa: I don't think so, they would have done it before we left...but why would someone want to blow up Dr. Phil...it just doesn't make sense...

Wufei: o-o

Quatre: Wufei...are you alright?

Wufei: Yes. I am fine. What day is it today?

Heero: It's Tuesday.

Wufei: Ah- I see...

Heero:...why?

Wufei: No reason. No reason at all...I think...I think the Dr. Phil set explodes like that every Tuesday...

Duo:...really?

Quatre: That sure is weird...

Wufei: Yes. I am sure. Now lets think no more of it. Take us home Heero.

Heero: Um..Wufei. You're driving...

Wufei: Yes. So I am. Then let us venture onward.

:And so the 5 gundam boys and Quatre's many Cabbage Patch babies headed back to their ramshackle apartment, intent on spending a quite evening at home in front of the fire. And as for Oprah, well, she got to live for another three years.:

**THE END**


End file.
